I proposed to Mum on 1st November 2014. This was my second attempt. Which, incidentally, was the very day your cousin George was born and the same date your Great Grandfather (Mum’s Grandad) proposed to his wife of 60 years.

For my 40th birthday Mum took me to Goa for a week… it was amazing! Prior to that I had gone to Cara’s at the Gold and Diamond park to get a cheap ring, I was travelling abroad after all and didn’t want to lose an expensive one.

On one of the evenings I identified my chance. Mum was going to go white water rafting the next day so I was going to have one of the pergolas all fancied up with flowing satin sheets, roses and of course champagne. So, my plan of action is already in my head thinking I was Don fucking Juan the super romancer of women the world over. I woke up in the morning excited about what the coming day was going to hold but there was a problem… the only thing Mum loves more than a glass of Rose is a bottle of Rose, then perhaps another… bottle. Mum does not deal with hangovers very well. She cancelled her white water rafting plans and along with it scuppered my plan. She fucked it!

The wedding was great and when you’re old enough we’ll probably bore you with the 1hr 20m video. About 20 months ago Mum says to me ‘Shall I come off the pill?’ Me and Mum have always wanted children so we agree this is the best course of action. After all Mum has been on the pill since she was a teenager and it takes a while to flush all the chemicals out.

The first few months were fine as we weren’t really trying to get pregnant. More like we weren’t actively trying to stop it from happening. A few months pass by and we decide to actively try and become pregnant. Me being a very sensible man, I suggest we go and get checked to make sure we’re both healthy and there are no problems. As I’m the boss, Mum agrees.

We make an appointment to go and see the fertility specialists and Mum has her ‘bits’ examined, blood taken and sent to the lab for checking. It turns out there was a small problem as Mum has poly-cystic ovaries… I had no fucking idea what that was either. The only thing I really knew about it was that a few of our friends had the same. Turns out it’s not that big of a deal and more than a few women have this condition. I think Mum was a bit more stressed out about it than me… she’s a stress head. This you will learn for yourself Bean.

Now my turn… the only thing I’m told is no ejaculating for 3 days before the appointment. Fine, I can do that. I’ve gone through longer droughts… much longer! So, I’ve seen different scenes on the TV about this situation. There’s either porn on the TV, dirty mags on the side and sometimes a hot nurse came in to give you a lap dance to get you started. Fucking brilliant, let’s go! Yeah, no. Bean, it was nothing like that! I get my name called and sheepishly I get up and go with the nurse. I knew what I was here for, she knew what I was here for and it made me more than a little uncomfortable.

The nurse leads me to a room and pretty much throws me a plastic container and a brown paper bag to put it in with the instructions ‘please note the time when you “finish’’ For fuck’s sake… OK then! This is where it gets very shit, very quickly. I walk down the corridor following the nurse, there’s people on both sides of the corridor and I’m still holding my small brown paper bag. To my horror she points to the public toilet and says ‘in there’. Oh My God! That’s right, I have to now stroke one out in a public toilet with people right outside… no pressure! So, I proceed to knockout the quickest, stealthiest wank of my life.

The result, over 90 million little sperms which is considered in the safe zone. However, ‘mobility’ was a few percentage points down. That’s just the amount of healthy sperms that are well formed and can swim well. Apparently a third of them are shit anyway and are of no use for baby making.

We’ve now had our checks, got our results… let’s get to making a baby. This is going to be the most romantic, dreamy and emotional baby conception in the history of mother fucking baby making. Hmmmm…