On Friday 1st September, 2017 Mum comes in the bedroom at early o’clock and announces that she’s pregnant by shoving a piss soaked stick in my face. My response; ‘of course you are!’ Mum had been symptomatic for a week or 10 days… some of it I’m sure she made up in her head from reading the many, many, many blogs, FB pages, Instas and magazine articles all of which seems to contradict one another. Most of it’s full of wankers giving their uneducated opinions adding fuel to the fire of uncertainty that I’m sure most first time pregnant women experience. But, her boobs were aching so she must be preggers right? Not the first time I’d heard this BTW.

Of course, it was the most amazing news I had ever heard. I had a bit of a tough time expressing it that Friday morning as me and Mum had been up late the night before smoking fags and getting on the smash. We like to spend the occasional evening this way although I suspect those evenings may appear less frequently going forward.

So Mum trots off to the doctor to have the definitive test… it’s always better coming from the doctor and not webmd.com or even worse ‘google MD’ FFS!? The result… No definitive answer yet, we have to wait for the blood test results. This is pissing me off now.

Finally, the time comes. I’m in my first day at my new job, I’ve already contacted Mum about 4 times during the day to ask if the results are available knowing full well she will call me immediately…but I ask anyway.

Mum rings me and proudly announces that the result is ‘299’. Yeah I know… WTF is ‘299’ and are you pregnant or not?! She quickly follows with that means I’m pregnant – 299 is a hormone they test for to determine pregnancy. I don’t remember what that hormone is and quite frankly I don’t give a shit. Yes, we’re pregnant and you are on your way!!

You are currently the size of a poppy seed. Basically a few cells resting against Mum’s uterus.

The only people who know (as you are just 5 weeks old) is my Mum, Mum’s Mum and Dad and Mark and Linda as well as Daisy and Rai. You’ll get to know Daisy and Rai pretty quickly as Daisy is having baby number 2 a month before you’re due to exit. Daisy and Rai are your Mum and Dad’s beer buddies.

The interesting thing is Rai and I were out one evening celebrating the fact that Daisy was pregnant and I told him ‘I am absolutely certain that Susie is pregnant’. I left it at that and we carried on drinking. Fucking Nostradamus I am! Ask Rai…he’ll tell you I’m full of BS!